Ciao, Gladion. I'm glad to see you're awake again.
And to have helped. Although I feel as if you're thanking me a bit too much for what amounts to some words of support on the network. Basil did much more, especially in terms of sharing his knowledge.
[Privately, Fugo thinks the acknowledgement will be good for Basil to hear from a friend.]
Well... okay, then.
[It wasn't something that he did thinking it might be acknowledged. It's an itchy sort of feeling. Was it really that important? It clearly was to Gladion. As weird as it is to accept this thanks, it would be worse to brush off Gladion's feelings.]
Sorry, it wasn't my intention to be dismissive. I'm just not very good at this sort of conversation.
[Gladion sits and stares at the blinking cursor for a while before continuing on. He is not seized by the urge, exactly, to type Ingo has been having a very hard time and any help he gets is worth more than you think, but the thought does a few spins in his head, as an example of something he could say but won't.
He's anxious about this upcoming talk with Ingo. Obviously. Pestering Fugo isn't actually going to fix that. So he should...explain himself neatly, without sounding completely helpless.]
The twins are professionals at putting on brave faces. I left more of a mess than I'd like and more than they'd let on in public. Not even counting whatever nonsense I missed.
[It's a bit more complicated than that, but it doesn't feel exactly appropriate to talk about it at the moment. It seems like there is something on Gladion's mind.]
I see. I can't say I know either of them well, but I think I understand what you mean. Emmett pretty skillfully deflected the more physical offers for aid.
I left a mess too, when I fell asleep. Or I suppose it's more that a mess happened while I was incapacitated. Theoretically, I know the most rational thing would to accept that this is just one of those things about Ryslig that is completely out of my control. But practically speaking, it is a sense of responsibility I find impossible to let go of.
You have a real gift for saying what's on my mind before I even have a chance to think it.
[And then he sends that, all caught up in the wry humor of it and feeling clever, before he has a chance to think twice about it. The embarrassment kicks in a few seconds later.]
Sorry. I don't mean to be dismissive either. [Like. Uh. That was not about him, he's pretty sure.] I just know what you mean. [Responsibility is...important? The most important? Maybe not. It's solid, though. Reassuring. A center you build yourself around. What do you call that?] Responsibility is an anchor. Nothing can really take its place when it's ripped away. You have to just keep grabbing for it until you find a line to hold, then hold on until something else rips it away again.
[Have to, in the sense of a compulsion, not should in the sense of a duty.
He gets a reprieve on further embarrassment for now, but the countdown to wait that didn't actually sound cool is ticking.]
[These are... an interesting series of messages to receive. And he can't help but wonder if Gladion has expressed more about himself than he originally meant to, given the way he sent them.]
It's okay. Tone can sometimes be hard to read on the network without indicators, but I didn't get the sense that you were being dismissive from your first message.
Just to be sure I'm understanding you correctly, though... when you say "anchor," do you mean in regards to your identity? I mean in the sense that you do not feel like yourself when you do not or cannot take responsibility for certain matters.
Responsibilities can come from anywhere, but once you choose to take them on, they become a way to express yourself. And a type of connection to other people. I think that's different than a responsibility that's forced on you, too.
[Responsibilities you choose rather than the responsibilities that have been thrust upon you; responsibilities as a type of connection. For someone like Fugo, who is used to accepting responsibility and taking the blame, he never thought to make that sort of distinction.]
You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to. But to go along with your metaphor earlier, you seen unmoored. When you fell asleep, was there a responsibility you lost hold of?
[Oh. Ha.] Nothing exceptional. Just household matters. [Since it's Fugo, he feels like he can be a little more specific:] Plans to do with feeding that we'd come to an agreement about without working out all the details yet.
[...and expect him to fill in the reasonable. That, knowing the age of the household in question, it would be an upsetting thing to vanish in the middle of even if it wasn't anything exceptional.]
I see. [There’s a brief pause; there’s nothing he can really say about that, beyond that–] That sucks.
[Another pause.]
I don’t mean to be dismissive, it’s just that an apology seems out-of-place and unhelpful. Feeding is a difficult and uncomfortable task even under the “best” of circumstances. Especially once things like instincts and/or a hunting drive comes into play.
[Even as he sends it, Fugo is aware that this is a very clinical and detached way to describe it. What they have to do absolutely disgusts him. That feeling hasn’t gone away. Rather, he keeps it in a jar and has sat it on a shelf; where he can still see it, but it doesn’t interfere with what he needs to do to survive.]
If it would help to talk about it, I don’t mind listening. Or reading, in this case. Although I might not be the best person for it.
[Fugo is well aware that, when it comes to killing, he's cold. At the end of the day, that isn't the part that bothers him. Gladion might be better off with someone closer to his own experiences.]
No, you're right. And I'm not in a position to pick over anyone's wording about the subject, between what I do and what I don't do.
[Very coy way of saying "having never killed a guy, I can't talk".
And on that subject...
It's funny(?), because he's in almost exactly the same spot he was all those months ago, when he messaged Fugo about going under. A lot of things have changed since then. For example: he is very small right now, and typing is difficult not because he is trying to hold back tears, but because his hands are so incredibly shaped.
(Thankfully, that is not what their fucking conversation is about.)
A lot of the things he'd wanted to say back then—or not even wanted really but felt unable to not say, like his worries grew a life of their own and jumped out of him—they're the kinds of things he'd discuss with Rindo now. That has to be some kind of improvement. If he's going run to Fugo for advice, or for validation, or whatever, it at least doesn't have to be with the smallest and most frantic of his concerns. He can almost convince himself it's somehow reciprocal when it's this calm a process.]
It's not the instincts this time. This specific thing isn't, anyways. It's the question of who should handle what and how often in the aftermath.
[...]
There's a simple, practical answer. Only one of us had ever hunted for our food before and knows what he's doing. But the other two of us have concerns.
[He shouldn't be airing this. It's not just his problem. And yet...]
< Eb7#9 > cw: discussion of cannibalism and human butchery, to continue throughout
Given the circumstances, I would say that we all have skin in the game. Regardless of how much you have or have not been forced to do up until to this point.
[They are all, unfortunately, in this people-eating boat together. At the end of the day, everyone has the right to an opinion about it.]
I see. To be honest, I don’t think that’s a question that has a “simple” answer. Personally speaking, I find the aftermath to be more difficult than the actual killing.
[Hunting animals is not the same as hunting people. Butchering an animal is not the same as dismembering a human body.]
For the record, I am saying that both as someone who has hunted for others before and as someone who has experience with killing other people prior to Ryslig. It did not prepare me for what needs to be done to process bodies for consumption in a way that makes the most out of each kill.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
<silverfeather>
Thank you. It helped enormously.
[Short. Simple. "I am staring at the ceiling and contemplating my existence" vibes today. June was a month, allegedly.]
< Eb7#9 >
And to have helped. Although I feel as if you're thanking me a bit too much for what amounts to some words of support on the network. Basil did much more, especially in terms of sharing his knowledge.
<silverfeather>
I'm serious, though. [haha why does he feel vaguely stressed all of a sudden.]
< Eb7#9 >
[Privately, Fugo thinks the acknowledgement will be good for Basil to hear from a friend.]
Well... okay, then.
[It wasn't something that he did thinking it might be acknowledged. It's an itchy sort of feeling. Was it really that important? It clearly was to Gladion. As weird as it is to accept this thanks, it would be worse to brush off Gladion's feelings.]
Sorry, it wasn't my intention to be dismissive. I'm just not very good at this sort of conversation.
<silverfeather>
[Gladion sits and stares at the blinking cursor for a while before continuing on. He is not seized by the urge, exactly, to type Ingo has been having a very hard time and any help he gets is worth more than you think, but the thought does a few spins in his head, as an example of something he could say but won't.
He's anxious about this upcoming talk with Ingo. Obviously. Pestering Fugo isn't actually going to fix that. So he should...explain himself neatly, without sounding completely helpless.]
The twins are professionals at putting on brave faces. I left more of a mess than I'd like and more than they'd let on in public. Not even counting whatever nonsense I missed.
[and the nonsense he didn't miss. sort of.]
< Eb7#9 >
[It's a bit more complicated than that, but it doesn't feel exactly appropriate to talk about it at the moment. It seems like there is something on Gladion's mind.]
I see. I can't say I know either of them well, but I think I understand what you mean. Emmett pretty skillfully deflected the more physical offers for aid.
I left a mess too, when I fell asleep. Or I suppose it's more that a mess happened while I was incapacitated. Theoretically, I know the most rational thing would to accept that this is just one of those things about Ryslig that is completely out of my control. But practically speaking, it is a sense of responsibility I find impossible to let go of.
<silverfeather>
You have a real gift for saying what's on my mind before I even have a chance to think it.
[And then he sends that, all caught up in the wry humor of it and feeling clever, before he has a chance to think twice about it. The embarrassment kicks in a few seconds later.]
Sorry. I don't mean to be dismissive either. [Like. Uh. That was not about him, he's pretty sure.] I just know what you mean. [Responsibility is...important? The most important? Maybe not. It's solid, though. Reassuring. A center you build yourself around. What do you call that?] Responsibility is an anchor. Nothing can really take its place when it's ripped away. You have to just keep grabbing for it until you find a line to hold, then hold on until something else rips it away again.
[Have to, in the sense of a compulsion, not should in the sense of a duty.
He gets a reprieve on further embarrassment for now, but the countdown to wait that didn't actually sound cool is ticking.]
< Eb7#9 >
It's okay. Tone can sometimes be hard to read on the network without indicators, but I didn't get the sense that you were being dismissive from your first message.
Just to be sure I'm understanding you correctly, though... when you say "anchor," do you mean in regards to your identity? I mean in the sense that you do not feel like yourself when you do not or cannot take responsibility for certain matters.
<silverfeather> my html...
[pause.]
Responsibilities can come from anywhere, but once you choose to take them on, they become a way to express yourself. And a type of connection to other people. I think that's different than a responsibility that's forced on you, too.
< Eb7#9 >
[Responsibilities you choose rather than the responsibilities that have been thrust upon you; responsibilities as a type of connection. For someone like Fugo, who is used to accepting responsibility and taking the blame, he never thought to make that sort of distinction.]
You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to. But to go along with your metaphor earlier, you seen unmoored. When you fell asleep, was there a responsibility you lost hold of?
<silverfeather>
[...and expect him to fill in the reasonable. That, knowing the age of the household in question, it would be an upsetting thing to vanish in the middle of even if it wasn't anything exceptional.]
< Eb7#9 >
[Another pause.]
I don’t mean to be dismissive, it’s just that an apology seems out-of-place and unhelpful. Feeding is a difficult and uncomfortable task even under the “best” of circumstances. Especially once things like instincts and/or a hunting drive comes into play.
[Even as he sends it, Fugo is aware that this is a very clinical and detached way to describe it. What they have to do absolutely disgusts him. That feeling hasn’t gone away. Rather, he keeps it in a jar and has sat it on a shelf; where he can still see it, but it doesn’t interfere with what he needs to do to survive.]
If it would help to talk about it, I don’t mind listening. Or reading, in this case. Although I might not be the best person for it.
[Fugo is well aware that, when it comes to killing, he's cold. At the end of the day, that isn't the part that bothers him. Gladion might be better off with someone closer to his own experiences.]
<silverfeather>
No, you're right. And I'm not in a position to pick over anyone's wording about the subject, between what I do and what I don't do.
[Very coy way of saying "having never killed a guy, I can't talk".
And on that subject...
It's funny(?), because he's in almost exactly the same spot he was all those months ago, when he messaged Fugo about going under. A lot of things have changed since then. For example: he is very small right now, and typing is difficult not because he is trying to hold back tears, but because his hands are so incredibly shaped.
(Thankfully, that is not what their fucking conversation is about.)
A lot of the things he'd wanted to say back then—or not even wanted really but felt unable to not say, like his worries grew a life of their own and jumped out of him—they're the kinds of things he'd discuss with Rindo now. That has to be some kind of improvement. If he's going run to Fugo for advice, or for validation, or whatever, it at least doesn't have to be with the smallest and most frantic of his concerns. He can almost convince himself it's somehow reciprocal when it's this calm a process.]
It's not the instincts this time. This specific thing isn't, anyways. It's the question of who should handle what and how often in the aftermath.
[...]
There's a simple, practical answer. Only one of us had ever hunted for our food before and knows what he's doing. But the other two of us have concerns.
[He shouldn't be airing this. It's not just his problem. And yet...]
< Eb7#9 > cw: discussion of cannibalism and human butchery, to continue throughout
[They are all, unfortunately, in this people-eating boat together. At the end of the day, everyone has the right to an opinion about it.]
I see. To be honest, I don’t think that’s a question that has a “simple” answer. Personally speaking, I find the aftermath to be more difficult than the actual killing.
[Hunting animals is not the same as hunting people. Butchering an animal is not the same as dismembering a human body.]
For the record, I am saying that both as someone who has hunted for others before and as someone who has experience with killing other people prior to Ryslig. It did not prepare me for what needs to be done to process bodies for consumption in a way that makes the most out of each kill.
It is difficult and ugly work.
<silverfeather>
Every word of the rest of it is heavy as lead. Everything about this sucks so fucking much.
(He didn't know that about Fugo, but given, you know, everything in life right now, it's not all that shocking. Just somber.)]
Our concerns exactly. Leaving it up to the same person every time didn't look sustainable, let alone fair.
[...]
What we reached wasn't an enthusiastic agreement.
[It was a fucking fight, and a nasty note to be forced to leave them on.]